Animal I've become

Booking in now.. This feeling really sucks.. The no choice, cant do anything about it, just obey kind of feeling.. What if the all NSFs went AWOL?? Would we all be in DB at the same time?? Would we all extend ORD date becos of that??

This whole week has been soccer and soccer.. Really very long nvr play already.. Glad to finally start again.. And also, injuring my hand again in that process.. It's weird.. People play soccer, mostly is injured leg, my last two injuries are hand related.. First my wrist, now my hand.. Weird i tell you..

And finally!!! This week book out friday again.. Wa song liao lo.. Feels like as if i earn half day off liddat.. Yes, i really sound pathetic.. haha

Honoured..

My chorus board member asked me to do chorus board for her wedding in the month of december.. She is my "disciple".. haha..

Firstly i was shocked, cos i din know she was attached, i mean she is like mid 20s already, but i never heard from her about her fiance.. so i was rather stunned..

Wasted that i coudnt help out cos it's on a friday.. And my book out timings are never accurate or reliable.. I scared i cant make it, so i told her i cant make it.. I mean it's a wedding la, not some small time event where i can suddenly say, "opps, i cant make it last minute".. So be on the safe side, get someone who can really make it to do la..

If not, i would be honoured to do it for her.. I mean, to approach me, to do it, i'm just a small timer in chorus board.. Although experienced, but i'm not those high up one le.. I tot maybe my team IC would be a suitable candidate.. So for her to ask me, felt really very honoured.. It's as if in that short period of time with her in the same team, i made an impact in her life..

I almost wanted to quit the ministry cos of my commitment problems.. But seeing people like her, makes me wanna go on to train up more people..

This song just cant get off my mind now.. Power..

Face down in the dirt..

Coming back home at around 1 plus,thinking of whether to blog or even do anything at all.. I even considered not going service even thou i'm up for duty today.. A wave of "sian-ess" just swept me away.. But here i am right.. Blogging now, means i'm actually doing something instead of drowning in that feeling..

Sucks that i actually know what i should do but din do it and then think back, "alamak!! WHY!!!"... I knew there was a chance i could be playing field soccer tml.. Told myself to take my shoe bag back today, and i totally forgot! Fuck! That's the expression that sums it all..

Past week have been on course to operate an ammo carrier vehicle for the Primus Gun.. It's not the first in the world, but it is the first in Singapore.. And i'm the pioneer batch to actually hands on the whole vehicle and using it at a real live firing exercise in New Zealand.. How cool is that.. When i think back during my trade course, handling the most sophisticated, prob also the most expensive weapon in SAF, that was cool.. But this is cool-er.. yea.. haha

Lessons are boring n long, spend most of the time waiting for my turn to hands on.. But the exciting thing this week was picking up table tennis.. I'm no pro, but at least learn a few basic stuff from my friends.. And table tennis is fun, especially when you are shaping up to smash.. The feeling of a successful smash is damn song.. haha.. First was learning badminton, and now table tennis.. Not bad, a few more sports to play now..

Have you ever wanted something soo much and badly that you would do just anything to have it??

You place it in to God's hands and say "i want it Lord, but up to You" but praying really hard that it would still happen and wishing God's will was the same as what you want??

And then when the outcome doesnt go your way, you ask God why and say nevermind, cos it's Your will not mine, but really, you wonder why and hope that you could do something about it to get it by your own means??

I did..

But I really thank God when i asked him to make me a driver for the primus, he did not answer that prayer.. Initially, ammo carrier is carry ammo one by one and load up the tunnel.. But now, being a Class V operator is much better, plus cooler.. Cos you use a mechanical device to carry the ammo, so no more hard labour!!

Driver's job really much more siong now.. At New Zealand, where the land is soo big, you've got to drive for hours before even reaching your firing point.. Imagine driving 50km/h all the way straight from Pasir Ris to Tuas, sian not?? Now imagine that, amplifed 100x, that's what a driver do.. You just keep driving, all you see is grass, everywhere grass, nice scenary, but it will all fade, and you get tired of it.. The commanders already warn that drivers have a tendancy to sleep while on the wheel cos the driving hours are long.. Siong rite.. Whereas now, i sit in a Bronco Vehicle, which is more cooler, wif better seats, and just relac only while delivering ammo to the Primus.. So i'm happy wif my vocation now..

Sometimes you think you know what is best for you, but really, God knows best..

Old schooled..

When they say be yourself, does it mean blurting out everything that comes right out of your mind?? Isnt that called talking w/o using your brain?? But it is you in your most natural state what.. And when you do process most of your tots, it could likely be un-you cos you are afraid of leaving a bad impression to someone, so you said something that just sounds right, but not you..

So are you really being truthful to what you really are, or are u giving people a side of you that is acceptable to them?? So when people say they hate "fake" people, why are they so sure they themselves are not "fake"?? People become "fake" to the extreme becos they want to be accepted also.. Doesnt everyone yearn that??

Realistically, we cant be ourselves in a group.. Cos the fact is we arent perfect and we are definitely not similar to everyone else.. We cant expect everyone to accept who we truly are w/o getting offended.. So we learn to shut up when we have nothing better to say..

That's why when a person found another person whom they can be themselves when together, it's like finding a rare gem.. And that's why we constantly make friends right?? To find that rare gem.. Be it, same sex or opposite sex..

Well, those are just random thoughts from my head.. Dont even know did it make any sense either.. haha..

Yst nite went wif mat n amos to meet ee ling.. I have never seen her before.. But she quite bubbly.. Friendly.. And keep banging amos.. LOL.. Really laughed alot cos of the things she said.. Initally she was rather blunt wif the "amos situation".. But u cldnt really get offended by her beos she was "innocently" being funny wif it..

Somehow, St hilda's people all got some link somewhere ah.. I have never seen ee ling before, but she knows people like Samuel Phua and Royce Teo, Stan n Justin.. Suddenly, there's a familiar ground already.. But samuel phua and her?? haha.. Si be buang sia..

And dunno who came up with a question that i can forsee, cant be answered in this lifetime.. LOL.. I dont 1 2 say out as it is sensitive stuff.. But it will be a mystery in my mind FOREVER!!

And serene sim as a guy??? WAH!!! Cannot make it sia.. My reaction at that time says it all.. Ask amos, if you dont believe.. hahaha.. Ee ling really din know what she was getting into when she said she rather choose serene sim as a guy than Samuel phua..

Anw, i listen to old school songs.. Literally old school, cos i heard it when i was in pri and sec school.. Yes, backstreet boys, westlife and boyzone.. Wa.. Like listen to some classic tracks man.. haha.. I think these two songs still can power when i relisten their songs..

Enough is enough..

I am gonna take MC tomorrow.. Confirm liao.. My weekends are like a 1.5 days only.. I cannot take this shit anymore.. Fuck you SOC, fuck to you BC and 2IC.. I have no more life thanks to the army, now you want to make me a bigger no life-r than i already am!!! How do you guys sleep at night man!!

When pastor preached about the Japanese researcher, it was really quite impressive.. I mean it was out of this world.. We all know the words you speak can really affect someone.. But to scientifically prove it with water, that was really amazing.. The words we speak really shape up our surroundings.. At least now i know what to do when my wife is pregnant with my kid.. haha..

I'm sort of sure i'm thinking with my head now.. I know the mess that i made and i know i cant stand there, look at it, and do nothing.. I'm clearing it up to move on.. I know i din particularly made "friends" with the decisions i made, but i guess i deserve the "retribution" now for making things messy.. Moving on, i know i cant have everything my own way and i also cant suit to everyone's way..

Sometimes life is meant to take it slow and enjoy, not always rushing to accomplish this and that.. we always try so hard to achieve something that we forget that life is more than that.. We think, if i just have this, i will be happy, or if i do this, den confirm liao.. Life is more than just achievements.. It is about finding the right balance.. I'm just gonna take it slow now, cos i've been trying too hard.. and who knows, maybe good things will just come knocking on my door, afterall, i am blessed!!

Boyzone - Father and Son

I just suddenly tot of this old song from an old boyband, Boyzone.. I love it alot.. And i always wondered how my life would actually turn out if i had my father around.. I still remember crying, missing a life without a father.. I know my father rode a motorbike.. For all you know, if he was still around, i would be riding a motorbike now like the rest.. But i would never know how my life would turn out different, cos i never had that chance also..

If he were to appear now, i'd ask him for advice, i'd ask him about his past, and he'd say

"I was once like you are now
And I know that it's not easy
To be calm, when you've found
Something going on
Take your time, think a lot
Think of everthing you've got
For you will still be here tomorrow

But your dreams may not..."

Den i'll tell him i'll take care of mum..
Emo screamo!! AH!!!!

Emo aside, haha, I'm confirm going to New Zealand.. Prob on the second or third day of Chinese New Year.. Prob an afternoon flight.. Interesting facts about New Zealand trip from my Sgt Major, who went there 3 years ago.. Could be outdated news also..

1. It is 6 hours faster than Singapore time
2. It would take around 9-10 hours of air flight to reach there
3. And another 10 hours i think, of bus ride to the camp
4. It would be around 20+ degrees then over there and around 15-20 degrees at the camp area
5. There are more cows than humans there
6. We will have fresh milk everyday, in large quantities
7. We have 2.5 days of rest and relaxation there at their city area
8. Two most common locations to go, 1. Casino , 2. Strip Clubs
9. Staying at motels with 2 per room for the R&R session
10. Women at the pubs are buang
11. The exchange rate is 1 to 1
12. Their stuff are more expensive compared to here
13. I'm coming back on Feb 13

I think that's about it.. haha.. YEA!! STRIP CLUBS!! WOA!! Literally an EYE opener.. haha..

Overcomers..

What Pastor said is true, we cant just come to God and say save me, save me.. That's just shallow..

Unless we understand we are over comers, we will never see God as the One who empowers us with creativity to over come.. We will always see God as the saviour who will just come to clean up the mess every time we fall..

So God, empower me..

Finally having activities on Sunday..

Basically i just gathered people with no life to go out and have a life.. LOL.. Yes, i'm going out with army friends.. It's bad enough i see them from monday to friday, now even sunday..

But these guys are the ones who go through every shit thing with me, probably the only ones who can understand or relate to about what my life is about.. Army...

And my bank account finally crossed the $1000 mark.. But it will soon be gone.. Like tomorrow?? haha.. But at least i hit it with my own savings.. Feel's good to have me own money in the bank..

Random?? Yes..

Don't look back in anger..

Battalion Exercise = Slack in bunk for my vocation.. Ammo Party Rocks!!

Basketball form has been Up, den down, den down again, suddenly Up again.. I was on fire last tuesday.. Netting almost more than half the shots i took.. Almost single handedly won a match..

Hope it will carry on for me to earn a bench spot on the inter battery basketball competition.. If only my secondary school time that form come back, got sperm first team liao..

Almost a perfect week for me.. Exercise as and when i like, canteen breaks like free, sleep late and wake up late IN CAMP!! Watch like 4 movies in camp, played a hell lot of PSP games, completed 2 games already, and listen to 2 new albums.. Motley Crue and The Zutons..

Played basketball, badminton, did 2.4km runs, went to gym.. Fit liao la.. haha..

But the week ended on a sour note, almost got into a fight wif my bed buddy.. supposedly my best friend in camp liao.. We were shoving and pushing, it just lacked a punch to become a fight already..

Let's just blame the weather and miscommunication...

In de end, we shook hands, and it was back to normal.. But i dont 1 2 go thru that again man..

It just feels as if all my r/s are screwing up.. Even my best friend also can fight.. Best liao, waiting for God to bring me thru this storm..

Move along

I'm not blind to see what had happened.. I just dont want to be bothered by it, it's just not worth it..

I admit, i'm going through a rough patch in my life now.. And it really aint easy to get past it.. But i'm slowly picking myself up..

Growing up, my sis was like my best friend, and she still is, i can tell her my probs, and she can tell me hers..

Sometimes when i dunno what to do, i approach her.. Not becos she is older and mature, but she understands me.. And that's what i really need now..

When everyone has their own commitments to attend to, i guess only family is the one we could all turn to, after all, it's the blood ties that doesnt separate us..

And after talking to her, i know what situation i was in, a desperate one, and i also know where i wanna be now..

I made alot of mistakes, regretted it, and gonna learn from it.. The last thing i really need is the guilt or the realisation of how stupid i was.. And it sucks when i cant sleep cos i just keep replaying the stupid things i did..

But i'm not alone this time.. With God by my side, who shall be against me.. I just to keep walking, move along..

It's okay.. Really..

It's ok, to be a little broken
Everybody's broken, in this life
It's ok, to feel a little broken
Everybody's broken, you're alright
It's just life

I'd imagine God saying that to me, probably to everyone else as well..
Like how amos would say, it's okay to be a little chui..

Fuckla..

Most humiliating defeat ever.. 8-1.. So many factors that attributed..

Men v.s Sergeants.. The whole battery against some of the sgts.. We will not be pulled down by ranks!! Rebellion!!

Our battery won the inter-battery Table Tennis competition.. I'm not in the team, but it feels like as if i won it!! Never knew watching unprofessional table tennis can be so exciting also..

Have a really great "bed" buddy.. Sounds wrong but you get the idea.. Fuckla!

I feel i dont have to explain my actions anymore to people who dunno me.. Let them judge me for all i care.. I aint perfect..

Talked to some ppl in my battery and realised, i aint any different from them, all no life on the weekends..

I need God, I love God, I know He is real and i'm reaching for Him.. He comforts me..

Thinking wif my heart lead to my downfall, my brain isnt working hard enuf..

Stop wallowing in self pity, pick up yourself, and get on with it, not everything will go your way, it's just obstacles, it's not a dead end..

I wanna be happy again wif God in my life..

This right feels like a left..

The outcome din hurt me, but to hear "no feelings anymore" after such a short period, was the killer blow..

So, inter unit soccer, against 3 Signal, score 1-1.. should have won

Going to eat seafood today cos my uncle is back from china..

Cant sleep for more than 8hrs these days.. Kinda sucky

Call of duty 4's graphics truly rocks..

Hope for the best..