A tribute to my "ah gong"

This is gonna be an emo blog.. so JX.. U are warned.. DO NOT continue reading this entry.. LOL

As i was bathing today in da kitchen toilet, i was reminded of my "ah gong".. U might wonder, why dun i call him grandpa?? Becos all of my friends noe him as "ah gong"...

So today i will write down all my memories, all my regrets of my late ah gong..

My ah gong was not a good husband to my ah ma at all.. Becos he was a compulsive gambler, he always took my ah ma's money to go gamble.. Even when my grandparents were older, my ah ma still cldnt stand da sight of my ah gong.. They wld quarrel every other time.. But deep down, i know they still cared for each other..

I remember once when my ah ma passed away already, my ah gong became disillusioned and kept asking us why ah ma went out and still haven come home.. It happened a few times, but after awhile i tink he finally came to his senses..

When i was at kindergarten, my ah gong wld always bring me to skool and fetch me back.. He loved me alot and was always over-concerned for me.. As a result, i was quite dependent on him.. I remember once after class ended, i cldnt find him and i cried, the ppl ard me brought me to a police station tinkin i was abandoned (i assume tats why they bring me dere).. After awhile my ah gong came to get me, and i was no longer sad.. I remember da times when i cldnt slp well in my mum's room, i wld go to his room to slp wif him.. He wld embrace me and i slpt well throughout the nite.. He also taught me a few japanese words from his experience in jap occupation.. I cant remember what were the words now thou.. whenever i wanted to buy sumthing or i needed money, i approached him and he wld always give me.. I loved my grandpa alot..

When i was at primary skool, even now i took da skool bus, he wld still come to visit me during my recess.. When i was older in primary skool, i no longer took da skool bus, but yet he insisted on sending me to skool, but as a "older" kid now, i din want ppl to see me still hanging on to my grandpa.. So i always declined and insist i din need.. Its from then dat i neglected him, for too long.. He wld always do all da loving acts, but i was childish and always din 1 2 be associated wif him cos it was "uncool"..

Soon when i'm in sec skool, he suffered a stroke, which caused him to be unable to walk properly.. So all da visitings to my skool stopped.. He still cld walk, but not normally, it was just like limping.. And i tot "finally" i can be independent now.. When u are young and foolish, u wld tink this way.. As the years go by, his stroke got worse, due to his smoking habit.. Even though he got a stroke from smoking, he din stop.. My mum din like him at all, prob cos of his bad habits.. Gambling money away, and smoking excessively.. My mum hated to see him spent money like dat.. But u cld tell my mum still cared for him as she wld still buy him cigerettes when he din ask.. At my grandpa's age, giving up smoking isnt that easy already.. Soon, from a limping kind of walk, he was reduced to needing something to support everywhere he walked.. Den to moving very slowly.. And after that.. he was wheelchair bound..

As his movement became limited, we wld always deliver food and put on his table to eat.. He also cldnt reach da toilet in time.. But my grandpa was quite a smart person, he wld cut those 1.5litre bottles den he will piss inside dem.. But when it came to shit, he cldnt do it in da bottle.. Most of da time he wld make a whole mess out of his room or he wld leave a trail of shit on da way to da toilet.. Becos we are at skool, we cant cater to his needs.. once every two days the maid will come.. But it was still not enuf.. I wld spent hrs cleaning up da mess he made, and i always scolded him.. I was foolish.. I prob cleaned shit almost every other day.. It was almost like a habit.. As a teenager, u want all da time u want to play games or go out, but in de end i had to clean shit.. I was pissed, i always scolded my grandpa.. cos he is always so stubborn and also for causing da mess.. By now, i nvr even tok to him at all.. Da sight of him already turns me off..

His stroke condition became worse again.. Thou he stopped smoking already.. Cos of his limited movement, he cldt go buy cigerettes, and he also din ask us already.. He now even had difficulty climbing out of his bed, that was how bad it was.. He wld always shout for us as he cldnt get up, each time u bring him up, 5 mins later, he is down on da bed again.. It was dat bad.. I was ever so irritated by him as every 5 mins he is always calling me.. U imagine sum1 keep calling u every 5 mins.. U wld prob go mad.. dats wat i did.. I kept scolding him to hold on to sumthing so dat he doesnt fall back.. The worst days are those when my mum wakes me up at 5 or 6 am to ask me to go help my grandpa as he fell on da kitchen floor, covered in shit.. I hated those days, u're so tired, first thing u woke up, u have to clean shit.. I hated my grandpa.. I was childish, i din want to be understanding anymore.. I tried to be understanding, but after awhile, wif da amount of times he keep calling ur name and clean his shit, u wun be able to take it..

And dat year when he passed away, i guess it was God's timing.. I din noe why but God's love empowered me to do things i cldnt do.. I was able to tolerate him, i shouted at him much lesser.. maybe once or twice when he was stubborn.. I cleaned his shit without shouting at him.. I only kept shouting out "sian".. cos thats exactly how i felt.. I was ever so patient wif him.. It was a complete change from me.. I remember once, when i was abt to do my QT late at nite outside in da living room, he called me.. I went to his room, to help adjust his body position so he cld sleep properly.. He held my hand as i was abt to leave.. He looked at me, saying nothing at first, he just kept looking.. i told him to go sleep.. and den he said the words "thank you".. i asked him to go sleep, as i saw him closing his eyes, den i walked out, crying like a baby.. It was such a touching moment.. As i did my QT i was still crying all da way.. From den on, it empowered me to be ever so patient to my ah gong.. But it did not last long.. Soon my ah gong landed in hospital.. his blood pressure was low, and he was groggy the whole day.. When my mum came back i told her abt it, but in de end she decided to call da hospital as he was not responding to us.. On da way to the hospital, my mum was almost gonna cry.. My grandpa went to da hospital.. but din come out of it...

He stayed in da hospital for a few weeks before passing away.. I visited him almost everyday, just to see him.. I dunno izzit he din have da energy to tok or wat was preventing him from talking, but the whole time dere, he only spoke once or twice when i visited.. Other than that, he always seemed to be dazed and unaware of the surroundings.. Once or twice also we wld receive phone calls from da hospital in da middle of da nite to tell us ah gong wasnt doing well.. Da doctor cld not give him a full body checkup to find out wats wrong wif him as he was too weak to go thru da checkup.. Once when they call us in, in da middle of da nite, da doctor said he had to go to ICU, but after my uncles and my mum talked abt it, they decided to let him go peacefully and not bring him to ICU.. Da nite where we were called in to da hospital in da middle of da nite again, he passed away.. I cldnt control my tears.. Even as i'm writing now, i really cant control my tears.. i had to go to da bathroom once just to keep a hold of myself..

It was God's timing as God gave me a bigger heart to love him dat year that he passed away.. I believe God din 1 me 2 regret when he passed away.. God wanted me to love him before he passed away..

And i pay a tribute to my ah gong cos, nvr once, not when my grandma passed away, or da times where he wld just lay on da bed just staring outside da window, or other times did i see him cry.. He was a real man in his own rights..

Ah Gong.. i love you...