Hot and Cold

The end of this year is coming.. And i'm looking at reflections.. Yes, reflections of this year..

At the start of this year, i tot it would have been just like any other year, nothing big happening, since i'm in NS.. But it was precisely why i was in NS, that a big thing happened.. I now believe it had everything to do with NS.. In short, you needed someone to be there and i couldnt be that one cos i stay in.. That's why you do what you do..

I look at my older posts and i realise i could go months w/o blogging when i was attached but now i'm blogging every now and then whining and emo-ing.. What a big contrast.. I now regret placing all my eggs in one basket.. Cos when the basket dropped, all the eggs cracked, and now i'm out of eggs, sitting there and sulking like a baby..

Today, i lie on my bed, just trying to speak to God, asking why for everything.. I can look at my situation at a 3rd person point of view and i know what i need to do, move along, but why cant i do it.. Why is all these happening to me?? Took out my "talking" rock which Dr John gave when he came, and placed it close to me as i seeked answers..

True enuf, I dont wanna exaggerate and say i heard a clear voice telling me what to do and stuff, but it was just images and thoughts that kept popping up in my head.. Like why i'm in this situation, what have i done wrong.. And it sort of became clear to me.. What kind of person i am, what i needed to learn from this..

You see, i suck at relationships.. I now see it.. I really do.. I cant remember a single relationship, be it a close friend or girl friend that ended well.. That is why i'm rather "lonely" now.. The problem with me is, I always think i am right or i am too stubborn or maybe lazy to save the relationship.. I know my ex would be the first to totally agree with that.. The problem was right infront of my face, yet i din see it and i go from relationships to relationships, each time losing someone important in my life..

And what i really did wasnt just lose them, i hurt them by my actions and inactions.. I always say i wld treasure the next one but everytime a problem pops up and i always think i'm not at fault, prob half the time i am not at fault, but for the other half the time when i am, i become stubborn, unmovable..

And i'm someone who dont take injustice well.. LIKE SERIOUSLY cant take it well.. As long as i feel it's not my fault, i act like the whole world owes me this.. That's when i lose those close.. I just din see it.. And if it makes those people that i hurt happy, i had my bad karma already.. I spent Christmas eve and Christmas alone.. I mean Christmas is a season of giving.. Where friends and family come together to share the love.. Yet, i sit at home playing computer games.. Yes, if it makes you feel happier, i felt horrible.. And i dont want another christmas like that again ever..

I dont blame my friends who went clubbing w/o me, i mean it's like a craze thingy, suddenly almost every week they go clubbing, but i'm just not into it.. I just felt it was God's will for them to catch the clubbing craze at this timing.. It din help that i'm having 4NTM, in short standby and if activated i have to be back in camp in one hour.. And rumours were spreading fast that Christmas eve would activate or even Christmas.. Totally spoiled my mood to even celebrate Christmas.. If that was God's plan, it came out pretty well.. Cos i am learning my lessons now.. So i'm cool with that..

At this point, i would really like to just apologise to those i have hurt.. I know some may not even know i'm talking about them.. But I just hope somehow they will just feel it.. Some of the relationships i know cant ever be rebuild, but for those that are still salvageable, i hope a chance will open where the relationship can restart again..

Everything happens for a reason.. Like why i broke up, why did i stay in this "hole" for so long.. And probably why my christmas was pathetic.. So i guess God is telling me this time, if you're not gonna see it this time, you're gonna stay in the "hole" till you see it.. Yes i see it now, feels like a burden lifted from me..

There is a reason why i supposedly stop blogging also, i was just over-emoing and i felt it was time to stop, but in the end, i still din feel any better.. But it was the right thing to do.. And there is a reason why i remove my ex's link also.. To allow her to write whatever she wants on her blog from now on.. I promised i wont go read her blog again, and i kept it and will still keep it..

She is no longer part of my life and vice versa.. She has moved on, no matter what she says, she has, and i need to move on..

So the conversation with God din exactly end just there.. I mean He showed me the problem, so why not the solution right?? It's simple.. 3 words.. Attitude determines altitude..
My attitude towards people gotta change.. I shall not be the " i think i'm better than you, you and you" person and the "i dont care, i'm right" person as well..

I mean everyone is looking for that special someone,be it a friend you can pour your heart out to or a partner that you're willing to commit.. So it's simple why i cant find it, cos i haven changed.. God will only give when you're ready to receive.. And obviously i'm not..

I really want to just let it go.. No more petty arguements about who was right and who was wrong.. Cos so what if i can win the arguement, you can just say "well, at least i've moved on with another guy" and that would be a slap on my face for me..

And i dont want to try hard anymore.. Sometimes trying to hard becomes a turnoff.. Just have the right attitude and i will soar with altitude.. I believe i have a future with God.. Cos i know now that he really loves me and i thank him for being my Father to guide me..

I really wanna thank Van for being there for me.. Listening to all my whinings and emo-ing.. You're a really good listener and always ready to share your advice and more importantly, a great friend.. It's really no wonder so many guys are falling for you, cos you're a rare gem in the market now.. Haha..

I think i've said enough.. I thank God this revalation came just in time before the new year arrived.. Next year, would be a better year..

Happy Boxing Day people!! Enjoy my favourite song of the moment..



Hot N Cold ( Official Music Video ) HQ - Katy Perry

Btw i think Katy Perry is kinda hot!! :)