So it's pure irony when I tell you now, that I cant seem to sleep much during my holidays. I've been sleeping at around 12-1am every night and waking up at around 9-10am.. Which is okay, but what I really want is to sleep in.. So came yesterday, when I woke up at 8am.. And today, 6am.. It's a joke really, not the funny kind but in the sickest way.. I feel I'm letting down all those who are sleep deprived by not being able to sleep much when I can..
I cant really pint point the reason for this episode.. Maybe it's my cousin loud snoring.. Then again, maybe it's just me.. But I'm pretty sure it's a mix of both.. The worst part is that my cousin went to remove his large tonsils cos they were blocking his airflow to the body, so by right, his snoring should stop also, but it didn't. Maybe it does help his airflow now, but it really doesnt show with all that loud snoring..
So here I am, freaking 7 am, up and blogging.. Lame..
Well a couple of things are on my mind.. but I feel they're those "time will tell" situations, so whining or pondering about it won't help, if you understand what I mean.. One of them is CG.. Yup, even though I changed, thought it was the best decision of my life, then here I am again, back to square one, with doubts again.
I feel like a fish out of water sometimes when I'm with them.. Maybe it's the mandarin speaking culture there, then again maybe it's just me, as always.. But one thing I know is that I lack a "partner" I can fall back on in there.. So far in the various CGs I've been in, one particular trend that helped make my church life better was having a "partner". Not literally a life partner, but more like a BFF.. Back in Angie's CG, it was easy, the whole gang of SHSS was there.. Then when it split to Eric's, Hp and Qianhua was there.. Then again when it split one more time to Samantha's, Celine was there.. And after moving to Timothy's, Matt and Amos was there.. But right now, I cant name one my bff.
I'm not sure if there's a guide that says " Survival in CG" with a point, "have a bff with you", cos to me, that's what I really need right now. There is only so much small talk I can talk or the CG can talk for that matter.. And after that, all will fall back into their "bffs" to resume their normal conversation.. But to me, when everyone does that, I'll be like the wandering soul with no where to turn to, walking alone.. I dun blame any of them for my situation, I'm weird, I'm slow to open, I know myself. I dun even blame myself for it, I just accept it and live with it.. No point insisting just to fit in and then lose yourself.. I'm okay with walking alone till I find my "partner"..
That also explains my attachment to my soccer team.. Soccer on Sunday is probably the reason for my lack of integration in the CG.. But then again, I feel so much happier when I play soccer on Sunday, no disrespect to God. It's the activity that drives me on, soccer is my passion.. I could wake up early to play soccer, but cant really wake up early to go to a church service, again no disrespect.. Between the evening church service and soccer, I would definitely choose church service though.. I also feel more accepted and needed in my soccer team compared to CG.. Maybe it's the lack of defenders in the team, but then again, the conversations I have with my teammates are so much more better than my CGs!
So in an ideal world, I would be sleeping on my bed now, having the perfect dream..
In an ideal world, I would be loving my CG so much, having the time of my life..
In an ideal world, my soccer wont clash with church as well..
But in reality... Reality is a bitch..
Just wanna make a special shoutout to Matt.. Thanks for all the advices man.. When I'm in to deep, and I really need an opinion, you've provided it.. Thanks man... Fingers crossed for my situation, dun wanna talk much about it here, cos I dun wanna "jinx" it.. Haha..
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