The irony..

SECURITY
1. freedom from danger, risk, etc.; safety.
2. freedom from care, anxiety, or doubt; well-founded confidence.
3. something that secures or makes safe; protection; defense.

Staying in tekong, is a very safe and secured place.. Cos of the high security level there.. You have to scan your bags and walk through security personnel to enter.. And thats what i ought to feel.. Secured..

But i aint feeling secure when i'm in there.. Many things im unable to control.. Things that ultimately upset me, or put me down, or just simply breaks my heart.. Life in tekong is already a torture, plus i cant have a decision on how i want my life to be in tekong.. And if it gets any worst than that, its really unbearable.. Like what matthew says, "i don't smile at all".. Thats really army life for you.. You are unable to smile the whole day cos your life is fucked up.. Seeing the things i see, hearing the things i hear.. i couldnt imagine how depressing it is to see a name appear so many times.. to see it on the phone, the blog or even hear it on the phone.. To be the last to know about something even though you are so close to it.. How i wish to have freedom, from care, anxiety, or doubt; well-founded confidence.. How i wish i was being thought of 24/7.. How i wish someone would take me into consideration all the time.. How i've seen my words fall down, like leaves in the summer.. I just cant seem to drive my point home.. Its always the same old stuff coming up, the same old defenses and the same old counter defenses.. Where is the boiling point where you say, enough is enough.. You have your own style, i have mine.. Cos honestly i hate sharing whats dear to me.. if not, why would it be even dear to me?

WELL-FOUNDED
having a foundation in fact; based on good reasons, information

Confidence that is based on good reasons.. So how am i gonna have this confidence?? Good reasons.. Information, and having a foundation in fact.. So i want to have confidence in something/ someone, i guess i gotta rely on facts.. But what if the facts arent what i want to see?? Suck thumb lo..

TRUST
1.reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2.confident expectation of something; hope.

Confident expectation of something.. Answers all my questions about trust.. I really do confidently expect something.. But whether is it good or bad, its another thing..

This post is rather what we call "beating around the bush".. And the fact is, i am not going straight to the point cos i simply don't want to..